Writing a totally cretinous blog

Writing a blog that no one reads is challenging. With Google's ever improving search engines it becomes very difficult to hide in obscurity being true only to one's creative mishaps when they can find a word misspelled and buried in your footnotes.

My good buddy kept asking why I got so disappointed when I got a view or two once a week till a light went on in his head and he asked if I was using it for something elicit like communicating about shipments of counterfeit neck ties or some other such ilk. But no, I would rather vex CISIS with a mechanical encryption concoction if that were my intent.

My vow of perpetual poverty is the real culprit in my earthly pilgrimage with this prolific urge for fabrication. Even though I don't subscribe to Google ads I have a real phobia for being sent cheques in the mail. I thus have learned several techniques in my blogging to avoid those nasty searches and views.

1. Never say anything which someone may find useful. That way if someone does stumble on your site at least they'll never come back.
2. Use big uncommon words lots. Search engines don't know what to make of words they only see once in their lives.
3. Try not to repeat the same word more than once. The engines think that if you use a word more than once it must be a really important topic in your offering.
4. Always talk about yourself. Use 'I' lots and lots. Most people are really self centred and only care about what your blog says to involve them.
5. Never, never use the #hashtag symbol. Although the mighty search gods of Google may deny it, the #hashtag is one sure way of attracting the attention of said deities.

So, without trying to sound useful, I really hope this helps to ebb your readership if you find yourself in a poverishly and unostentatiously challenged situation. Good luck and remain true.

Jeremiah was a bull frog

Today we will allow ourselves to be deceived by the shrewdness of none other than .......

Hoyt Axton. He sang:

 

'Joy to the world, all the boys and girls now

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

Jeremiah was a bull frog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine'

Axton explained in the Oregon News-Review: "Jeremiah was an expedient of the time. I had the chorus for three months. I took a drink of wine, leaned on the speaker, and said 'Jeremiah was a bullfrog.' It was meaningless. It was a temporary lyric. Before I could rewrite it, they cut it and it was a hit."

For nigh on forty years we have been wondering, Mr. Axton. Western civilization has been something of a success overall, I think. I mean, you know, where else could we find such...... I mean if the bible where written this way, I mean, you know. And our constitution, I mean, wow. On second thought, you know, it probably was. Yes, that's it! You were trying to show us why we were so successful, somewhat, I think.

Anyhow, thanks for the great song, man.

Our good Prime Minister

Proportional representation in store for Canada

Canada's Prime Minister Stephen Harper is encouraging input on his proposal for proportional representation in our federal voting system for the election of members of parliament.

1) Electoral districts made larger by amalgamating every four of the present districts into one across the country.

2) Each district elects the top four candidates, if they have at least 5% of the vote, to parliament. Each voter gets only one vote for the candidate of their choice.

3) Each member of parliament's vote in parliament has a weight assigned by the percentage of votes obtained in their riding.

4) A working group of twelve is elected by members of parliament and is responsible for a yearly budget and business considered necessary beyond control of governmental departments. There will be no position as official head of government. The working group may have a 'chairperson' if they deem it necessary.

5) The day to day affairs of government will be run by governmental departments with all proceedings open to all members of parliament. Each department will be overseen by a board of three directors who will be elected to a two year renewable term by parliament. Governmental departments as well as all members of parliament can introduce an amendment or a new bill.

6) Budgets, bills, amendments, and all other votes must get 50% majority otherwise they must be returned for reevaluation till passed or withdrawn. If a budget, bill, or amendment tabled by the working group is not passed in three attempts, the working group will be dissolved and a new one elected, with the removed members not eligible for reelection to the working group in the present term.

7) National elections are held on set dates every four years.

8) The Canadian senate will be abolished.

These changes will require an amendment to the constitution so in order to get it right with the support of all Canadians and without involving the supreme court, the Prime Minister is asking for input. Please visit his new website at thiswillneverpassanyhow.ca

Global warming?

Glaciers to cover much of North American Great Plains in ten years

New research by The Bunkington Institute for Climate Change Studies, a conservative funded think tank and research group, has models showing an area from the southern Canadian prairies down to Texas covered with year round snow and ice in about a decade. The study group based it's projections on the continuing breakdown of the polar vortex due to global warming and the resultant amounts of snow and cooler temperatures which will be forced southwards as the trend increases.

Due to the amount of sunlight reflected by the snow, the daytime temperatures will drop significantly over the Great Plains with melting occurring later and later each spring till it reaches the threshold of not melting throughout the entire summer. This cold land mass will precipitate even more moisture falling on the plains causing accumulations of up to twenty feet of snow per year. The weight from this accretion will quickly transform this moisture into a massive field of ice.

The study focused on the effect this ice cover would have on food production as this huge area is considered one of the major food basket regions of the world. The consensus was that civilization would not be adversely impacted because any food shortage would augment the distinction between rich and poor, one of the leading indicators of social well being. Of much greater concern was the consequence the ice cover would have on oil fracking and it's transportation, and the devastating repercussions for North America's tax base.

The study is currently being reviewed by leading scientists at Exxon Mobil and British Petroleum. If the findings are validated the oil industry is expected to begin lobbying for pipeline routes around this vast area.

I believe I lost my marbles

Lost my marbles

I went to bed and bumped my head

Woke up this morning and they're gone

But that's okay, I still got my gum

Left it on the bed post overnight

And what a dream twas full of spam

Hungry now need toast and jam

Envisioned bubbles floating free

My mind was with them colourfully

We toured meadows filled with cows

This gum is tasteless and it's hard

Cows floating in contented bliss

My marbles were there on the ground

Blackbirds plunking playing keepsies

Jam was good now we'll try cheese wiz

Must find my marbles in yonder spam

Tummies full now back to dreamland

To find my marbles in meadowy wonderland

Bushwhacked at Walmart

Went into our Walmart to buy me a shoe

Was told it's not possible I'd have to take two

“But the left one's still usable with a smidgen of glue

And look how they match up, they're both really blue”

My buddy was waiting just down the aisle

His expression was frankly quite more than a smile

The sales rep was genial, her demeanour held no vile

She was in fact practical on this philosophical trial

“My right shoe's death freed it from the nausea of smell

But the left one still sojourns in that nauseating hell

It's condemned to freedom and has chosen to dwell

On my left foot it begets life choosing uselessness well”

The dear sales rep was no tart and answered with flare

That compassion and mercy aught not to bear

On one's need to look dapper when buying one's wear

“Indulgence and pity is great sin if you care”

Not a student of Jean-Paul while in grips of the brass

This rep had weird leanings so my bud showed some class

He asked for a left shoe cause his had run out of gas

The rep finally buckled and called him an ass

We agreed to take one pair and split them in two

Each paying our fair share but what would we do

The receipts for a whole pair and we each need one too?

“The world is deep” sort of whomped us with our shoe

We just ain't happy till we're totally broke

Month's end engenders our establishment cheque

Pays rent and cable and humours the plastic

Kraft dinner No name, oh what the heck

Hamburger helper and cat food fantastic

Our endowment dwindles graciously left and then right

Once a month high rollers, wealthy take fright

Five bucks for lotto, the end now in sight

We just ain't happy till we're totally broke

Laundry an oversight, we'll use the tub

Scrubbing is labour though wringing torment

Run low on stogies? We just skulk on the sub

Down by the airport them rich folk's ferment

Kraft dinner gets boring, chagrin must be relieved

So down to the food bank we beat hasty reprieve

In humble thanksgiving the sermon's perceived

Our monthly paid homage for failings we weave