Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A short history of our refrigerator












Our refrigerator is located in the scullery of suite 307 in Deathrock Apartments, in the vast realms of Dunogremesh, in the thriving metropolis of Winterpeg, on the sandy loam of former glacier Lake Agassiz, the flood plain of present Lake Winnipeg, on the banks of the mighty River Red where our Lord Musum presides. He installed his resplendency within the ziggurat of the newly established Canadian Museum for Human Rights and has apparently taken a dislike to our scullery's ice boxes, perchance because we do not come crawling with burnt offerings and lewd dance up the ramparts of his ziggurat to bestow blessings upon his magnanimity.

Anyhow, in the warm summer months of 2014, our old clunker of an ice box which weighed in at 323.7 pounds packed it in. Yes it died, and the kind undertakers of Dunogremesh who carried it off to be buried in sweet honour of forty three years of steadfast service were sore amused at the collection of dead mice which had mummified themselves in it's underpilings over the years as this ice box revelled in the tasks put before it, to cool and freeze the perishables of various tenants, while anchored as if a pyramid, its sharp feet buried in the linoleum and vinyl and floor boards with a grasp which defied even a crow bar.

Born unto us, in wake of this tragedy, was a sprightly little model, white and pure, which in it's glory years undoubtedly behaved itself quite outstandingly. But alas, that Lord Musum, he saw the happiness bestowed upon his subjects and he became jealous. He sent forth spirits, really naughty spirits, who revealed in the joys of disrupting the flowing of electrons, those little beasties who keep modern society in pulchritudinous harmony. They orchestrated a malady in our little white and pure ice box, so her noodle froze to minus 30 C while her tummy languished at the tepid warmth of plus 35 C. Clever magicians were sent forth from the vast auspices of Dunogremesh and they tempted those itty-bitty electrons with spells and bribery, and our little fridge's equanimity was restored to an somewhat even keel.

But woe unto us, Lord Musum is a very powerful lord, and he became furious at these magical jokers who attempted to thwart his magnanimity. He badgered and heckled our little white and pure ice box till she broke down sobbing and has given up all hope of ever being a good little fridge. His plan seems to be to entrap those magicians with their own spells, sending a chill of the ages along with a humongous Colorado low throughout the capacious Dunogremesh Empire, so the mighty River Red will overflow it's banks and submerge all the vast holdings which Dunogremesh has in it's domain with mud and slime.

We would be overjoyed if Dunogremesh would tempt fate and send forth it's magicians once more into the dark and lowly crevices of it's vast domain. After many attempts at coaxing our little white and pure ice box to regain her composure with frozen ice cream pails of ice tucked into her tummy, we may even be willing to perform some lewd dance and song on the ramparts of the ziggurat of our esteemed Lord Musum, if this is deemed as the only solution. We submit this charitably, let those magicians have one more go. We wait with baited breath, knowing full well the power of his resplendency, our Lord Musum. May the magicians of Dunogremesh reign supreme.

Submitted to the Dunogremesh Property Management Corporation, November 17, in the year of our Lorde 2015
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