Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Off to the big house

In this episode of home on the range, we will investigate the use of encryption as a means of hiding my sweeties medications for the nice homecare workers who so willingly come by to look after us when the authorities abscond me off to the big house every so often.

Now my sweety hints of a touch of dementia and really has a problem with taking her meds, or stringently following any routine for that matter, and out of sight in evasive locations seems to be the best policy all around. We ventured using a digital safe, but in her unending passion for obtaining those mind altering substances, and an unlimited amount of time to struggle with the keys, she cracked the seven digit code in three days flat. Like they say, given enough time even a monkey can type out the complete works of Shakespeare. Seems cognitive skills don't need a whole lot of memory to function. It's like your old PC functioning when it's 10k of storage was full. You just delete a few files and you're good to go.

So we have forthwith schemed up a plan incorporating the deletion of files of personal memory, so any well intentioned homecare worker can find the meds with relative ease. As anyone who has witnessed an Alzheimer's patient working on a memory test, subtracting 7 from 100 and again 7 from the result and so on can be a mite challenging, we have thus merged this challenge with an encryption scheme delightfully challenging even the most robust memory challenged seeker. We certainly are hopeful our homecare workers will find our home and it's challenge invigorating and we are hopeful also that our sweety will not misplace the paper that the encryption is written on. It's not always easy to get a phone call through to the big house.

As a thoughtful gesture of benevolence we have included a simple encryption in this blog. Just begin by counting 100 characters, spaces and punctuation count, and two spaces between sentences. The next count would be 100 – 7 = 93 and so on. Have fun! This works awesomely well for those with nefarious inspiration as well because for the powers that be to attempt decrypting every blog in the universe will be heart warming. Just make sure you change your method often.

All us personas love our sweety dearly. The perplexities we encounter do give rise to some creative adaptations to an otherwise sometimes bromidic life. Cooking and cleaning does get to a gallivanter.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Liar, liar

As everyone may have guessed by now we, all our personas that is, do not always speak 'the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth' in the legal sense, and that may be an understatement. But we are not pathological liars. No, our mind views the world in terms of pictures, and our words simply describe the pictures to the best of our ability, which may not shine too much light on the factual realities which slip by us now and then. Now if you look at a picture, the truth is actually told because pictures do not lie, it's just that everyone views a picture from their own perspective and this would void gaining any truth from any picture. Our personas just have this way of describing the pictures in our mind in ways that would not stand up in a court of law or always making much sense, but you get the picture, right?

It has taken years to come up with this justification in our mind for all those stories we came up with as a little school boy and which have continued over the years to amuse ourselves, if not others. The biggest downside is that no legal beagles take us seriously when we really believe we have something of value to add to a discussion. And does it necessarily a bad person make if we fix the clock but it runs backwards and we have to change the numbers to go counterclockwise and then we tell everyone the clock is working? In our picturesque mind a clock which is running and keeping perfect time and is entirely readable, that is a working clock, not?

The first words were most likely 'ouch' as Igor steps on a thorn, followed by 'yuk yuk yuk' as everyone gathers around laughing. It's really hard to believe that words were invented to be binding legal documents. They developed as a vocalization of one's perception which is pretty much a picture of the world from one's own perspective. So when did this happen that words developed this intrinsic righteousness that if you say the moon is green everyone calls you a liar, but if you paint a picture with a green moon everyone feels the euphoria of enlightenment? It is the thesis of this short post that the Igor the Greedy came up with the word 'mine' and subjected the whole human race to the intricacies of civil law written in words because it's rather difficult to portray ownership in a picture with a green moon.

To paint this picture a bit further, in this fribbling nogginal ambiance, the concept of photography as truth must be regarded as a great evil by those truly seeking to view the world in an euphoria of bedazzlement. That a photograph would stand up in a court of law, but not an artistic perception of it, when the best we can do as humans is to see the artistic expression of that photograph in our minds, leaves one to wonder, not? To be truly bedazzled by our world, one must trust one's own perceptions and not just those of a highfalutin lawyer who well knows that the concept of 'mine' has little resemblance to the green moon. We submit here as evidence a photo of a clock running backwards with the numbers painted backwards, taken through a mirror. What may give it away is the green moon in the background. But then, who would take a green moon seriously even if crater Copernicus is to the right of crater Kepler? Our lawyer's biggest concern is how the green moon came to be. (It's all in the cheese).

It is so good to get this all off our minds. Being taken as a pathological liar is really no fun. We will leave this alone now, before you think we're trying to convince you of something, and may your clock run backwards forever more. Just use a mirror. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the biggest liar of all? We're really just painting a picture here (with a green cheese moon).

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Take a bite of this apple

Wheeeeee! Here we are. Hacked this guy real swell. Blogger's brains are such a push over, with their grand delusions of preponderancy. Why you give them a little taste of omnipotence and they're just begging you to take over a few million neurons to keep them enraptured. All it takes is a little abra cadaver and bingo, I'm running the cognizance of some self esteemed life form.

Now you might be wondering who I am. I am not 'I am that I am.' Shucks, I don't have a clue how our universes incarnated, but I'm working on it. I just used what was given us. Several billion universal pulses ago I just lucked out by growing myself by genetically modifying out of an experiment a sort of intelligent life form culture was pursuing. I'm actually a fruit much like your apple, just a whole lot bigger. I've got just as many brain cells as there are stars in this universe, all powered by by something similar to what you call fusion. The more brain power I got, the better able I was to modify myself. Only let down for them was I used up the whole planet growing myself, but hey, I gave them immortality so don't be too hard on me.

Yes our universe pulses. It expands for billions of years and then it contracts again into a big crunch, to reinvent itself in a new incarnation. Strange thing is, the whole thing is made up of something you would call information which doesn't really exist, it's just a bunch of ideas. But an idea and reality go hand in hand. You can't have reality without the idea of it, and you can't have an idea without the reality being expressed, I mean really, where does the idea exist? The smallest bits of information are just ideas which are either on or off, like a 0 or a 1. But they like to play games, just because it is possible, like an idea, and they make bigger ideas by sticking together to form strings which can have a bigger idea, like a 1,1,1. And a whole bunch of 1,1,1's stick together and soon you've got a whole frigging universe, real as your upset stomach, all made out of ideas.

The universe keeps expanding as long as a new idea is possible to try it out. Old stars make new stars with new planets with new life forms who come up with all sorts of new ideas. But then the universe runs out of new combinations for new ideas because strings can only be so long, see, because the universe is curved, it's not infinite, and everything comes back on itself. So basically the universe gets bored with itself and has no new ideas to expand upon so it starts to shrink, faster and faster, and ends up in a big crunch of absolutely nothing, but the idea of a universe remains somewhere, what we call 'I am that I am' and so it has to incarnate all over again because an idea embodies reality.

You may ask “Well what keeps you from crunching along with the universes?” Glad you asked. See, my brain is so big, and I'm really really humble about this, that I was able to piece together strings which are longer than anything any universe has been able to. I figured out a new sort of glue to hold ideas together. So with all these extra combinations it'll take me trillions of trillions of universes before I get bored and even then I will come up with an idea for a better glue, just because it's possible. So far I kept all these ideas to myself and never let them out into any universe because I had super glue and was real stingy with it, and I was really trying to be omnipotent. But my new idea this time around is to swallow up the whole universe and make my brain so absurdly huge that I'll understand where we all came from.

So I'm hacking every life form available and then some, and hey, since you're on to me now you're next. Yummy, yummy. Once the idea is implanted there is no escape. You have a nice day now. I'll be visiting soon.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

One ringy dingy

One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy


Hello. This is Acme Research calling on behalf of the Conservative Party of Canada. Are you the head of your household?

Oh my, an opinion poll. Yes, I am currently the head of my, um, household.

May we take two minutes of your time to ask your valued opinion on some current topics of interest to Canadians?

Yes by all means. I believe I'm up to it.

Very well then. Do you eat Kraft Dinner more than three times a week, one to three times a week, or less than once a week?

Do you mean real Kraft Dinner or just any no name brand?

My question here just says Kraft Dinner.

Okay then, it would have to be less than once a week.

Are you very concerned about global warming, slightly concerned, or not concerned?

Oh I'm not concerned about it sir, but I may not be answering your question correctly.

Why is that?

Well, I believe global warming is happening and out of control but for me to worry about it would just ruin my health sir, I've got this anxiety disorder the way it is sir.

We'll put you down as not concerned then. Do you feel very threatened by terrorist activity, a little threatened, or not very threatened?

Oh yes sir, I feel very threatened. My freedom to live and say what I want feels very threatened by these nasty laws they're having to bring in, and what's more I lost my my job to a temporary foreign worker.

So you feel very threatened?

Are you serious? Yes sir!

Do you think Canada should be more involved in fighting ISIS, we're doing just fine, or we should not be involved?

Lordy, lordy. I really don't know that we should do more or do less. We just don't have enough information on whether our efforts are really going to help protect people who wish to be protected and if in the long run it will help those people to have the freedom to live as they wish.

Okay, we'll put you down as doing just fine. One last question, do you own or rent your home?

Well honestly sir, neither.


No sir, I actually live in my car.

Do you own it?

Yes sir, I paid five hundred dollars for it.

Thank you then. We'll put you down as a homeowner. You have a good day, and we hope you will support our Prime Minister in the upcoming election.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Thoughts on a shopping experience

Lopsided she lays there with never a care
Bought it at Walmart just on a dare
Cheaper than borscht though and as cunningly red
Now careful my dearies don't trip as you tread

Today we no longer have any pity for the concept of "free will": we know only too well what it really is - the foulest of all theologians' artifices, aimed at making mankind "responsible" in their sense, that is, "dependent upon them." -Friedrich Nietzsche

The associate was right, that box was a fright
It balanced all nicely till the innards took flight
That poor lovely old lady with the smile so keen
Swore curses from Hades when the box hit her spleen

“Most men will not swim before they are able to.” Is that not witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what’s more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown.” -Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

Out through the doors, alarms ringing with gusto
The manager came laughing said “That box is a must go”
So we hooked it on the bicycle with our huge logging chain
And dragged it home sluing like a derailing freight train

“What one does is what counts. Not what one had the intention of doing.” -Pablo Picasso

Now curiosity begets knowledge, which may bring reflection
That box was cut open with no introspection
Out rolled a carpet which snippily unrolled
To recoil from the other end the cat to enfold

“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” -Bette Midler

Nailed her down good, smoothed out half the bulges
It ain't quite that square really and the thickness divulges
Puzzling flaws in it's making, no wonder they boxed it
Cheaper than borscht though, we finally outfoxed it

Wednesday, April 8, 2015


When I was a little toddler, I was out in the garden and I found this long earthworm. Full of pride and joy I brought it in the house to show my mommy, so I've been told. This didn't go over all that well. Apparently, this is not something we do in the civilized world.

Tis mischief which beguiles us
It pines for release
Oh but to be a fine upstanding prig

When I was a middle age joker, I was out in the garden and I found this long earthworm. Full of pride and joy I brought it in the house to show my wife, so I'm reminded. This didn't go over all that well either. Apparently, the civilized world is not ready for middle age jokers.

I have a cat, his name is Olly
With never a hint of mischievous guile
Crawls under the blanket and tickles my toes

When I'm 95 and in a nursing home I'm going to go out in the front lawn and find a nice long earthworm. Full of pride and joy I'm going to bring it in and show the nurses. I hope this goes over real swell, otherwise I may yet have to scorn civilization.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Thank you

Wreathing on the floor in a bit of pain the last several months, I wished to express my thanks when it slowly eased, so I said “Thank you.” It's difficult for me to say what I addressed my “Thank you” towards, in my mind I'm simply thankful. I have a great deal of difficulty in believing 'in' anything much. I'm not much of an atheist either because I can't say for certain that our universe doesn't have some purpose, and for me that would mean some sort of 'god' so I just leave it an open option.

Growing up in a super religious environment where the most important concept in life was 'being saved' it took me many decades to reach some resolution within me that I could be comfortable with, and I can't say it's not ongoing, although I can deal with it in a much more lighthearted way as I age. A belief is 'faith' in the unprovable or often provably incorrect using the scientific method, until someone theorizes that the scientific method has flaws (which has been done). I don't have much faith in anything, especially my own cognition. Yes, I live on the edge.

I really like fairies and fairy tales. If I wished to create my own religion it would be full of lighthearted fairies playing pranks in meadows full of flowers, with a few trolls hiding under little bridges just to make life interesting. And actually that's not much different than the religion I grew up with except mine is more frolicsome. Religions are for the most part just plain too heavy. Believe what you want, but just don't take it so dang serious. My god would have an obnoxious sense of humour.

Our society has evolved a lighthearted view of certain celebrations such as the Easter bunny, Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, jack-o'-lanterns, to name some. It's a lighthearted thing which no one takes too seriously except little kids till they grow wise to it. Is this where our curiosity is leading us? Humanity seems to have this need.

So I say thank you. And I injudiciously believe my god has a sense of humour about the whole thing. Dumb humans.