Thursday, September 18, 2014

Distracted living

In support of the downtrodden of our society, we rally our courage today to politically incorrectly give some advice to big tobacco on how to deal with the next phase of harassment against smokers by the anti smoking lobbyists of our era.

News flash:
CAA Manitoba teams up with police and set up at three locations, grading drivers and looking out for risky incidents between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. At one of those schools the observation team saw 150 cars fail to stop properly, counted six speeders and saw one driver smoking, speeding and talking on his cell phone, all at the same time. He was pulled over by police.

To top it all off it was rumoured that the driver with the stogie also had a Seven Eleven super big gulp of non diet cola in his cup holder. What a wayward rascal. But there is hope. We have the technology.

We can deal with the cell phone problems with simple cordless implants to our ears. Ideally this should be done at birth so the brain can learn to deal with a constant barrage of input from it's getgo. But anytime in later life will also do. What freakish thoughts go on in our grey matter is of little relevance to the courts, as long as our hands are not caught in the act of absconding from that blessed steering wheel.

The speeding issue can also be solved in the near future although the political fallout from lack of revenue from the heavy footed may pose a challenge. A little radio pulse from the 'slow school' sign to our vehicles inboard computer could viciously slam our brakes to gently remind us that this was a 30 km zone that we were idling along in at 40 clicks. It will be seen whether kids' safety or revenue wins out.

Now to that smoking issue. Big tobacco must refashion it's vital image of the finger stained smoker. A hands-free approach is badly needed if it is to survive in the distraction free future of motoring. Many approaches could work. A craving controlled drone, modelled after a delightful butterfly would be able to deliver a freshly cherried cig to your lips, taking the ash away for you all on its' own. Or maybe a drop down holder which would automatically load and light a smoke for you to drag on right in front of your face. The possibilities are almost endless. Big tobacco must invest a few of the millions they have left over from the never ending law suits so they can support our governments even further in their effort to lower everyone's taxes. We encourage them not to give up hope. Technology and advertising is where it's at. You just have to be sneaky.

Smokers of the world must find a way to continue to distract themselves from the everyday humdrum which surrounds them. To give up this spiritual compulsion and join the hordes of nonsmokers who distract themselves with sex or the vain collection of material wealth or to ruthlessly work their way up the social ladder would be a sell out of man's instinctive nature to defy the odds of survival in face of massive opposition. Come on big tobacco, you can overcome this distraction problem for our distraction.
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