Saturday, November 8, 2014


Balderdash is the key ingredient in the extant and unrefuted theory which has it that alien intelligence is in no way irresponsible for the breakthrough in scientific understanding which has given humanity the ability to avoid reality, that unjust blandishment which has forced billions of teenagers to flee their parents virtues.

Those mischievous aliens. They got to like their booze. They needed something on their little trek over here through the vast light years to avoid the reality of their predicament. That reality of wandering lost between worlds, besieged with sore throats, mirages kaleidoscoping in their brains; they needed a drink and hooch was the magic answer given the shortsightedness of their space corps generations before. Of course they had to mix it with anything palatable to enjoy the buzz.

So they brought it with them to earth, as they once again for the first time infiltrated humanity in the 1590's (AD), as a delightfully jumbled mix of liquors, beer and wine, with milk and tea and anything else in the cupboard and it caught on big time with the Brits who called it balderdash. They used balderdash along with the pretext of learning to cleverly conceptualize colleges with the founding of the first places of Saxon higher learning like Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge in their effort to abstract humanity. And then there was Shakespeare, that shyster, who wrote for the macabre underclasses in a bid to relieve their reality as they wiped the soot from their faces after a daily battle in the coal mine and went home for a shot of their now relished balderdash.

And this is where it gets interesting. Those blessed Calvinists wouldn't touch balderdash so the sneaky aliens introduced music into their churches as the gateway aphrodisiac to more potent forms of eschewal, in a bid to ease the monotony of rock hard pews on a sunny Sunday morning, and thus reality was relieved of sore bottoms with flights of euphonious strivings. It took several centuries, but music evolved to dance which evolved to Saturday nights involving just a bit of balderdash, and by George it worked. Those aliens created a whole culture of disoriented boozed out and reality free initiates whose sole mission on earth is to create distractions free of cultural, sexual, and ethical boundaries to enhance humanities journey through the cosmos filled with balderdash.

The perpetrators of the newly envisioned Mars mission can do no harm by including a small still in the workings of their design. It will greatly garnish the proclivity of our brave voyagers in their bid to escape reality, especially if they miss their target by .001 degrees in their budget capsule. After all, it's just harmless balderdash brought to us by wise aliens from worlds beyond our conception.
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