Hello 911

Hello 911?

911: Hello 911, how can we help you?

Me: Hello. I'm scared.

911: Why are you scared, Sir?

Me: My wife is being nice to me.

911: Is this a prank, Sir?

Me: No, no, no. She hasn't been nice for over two years. Usually she's throwing stuff at me and cursing, but today she's smiling and happy and she thanked me for supper, I'm really scared!

911: Has she ever been charged with abuse, Sir?

Me: No, no. She has dementia. She really doesn't know what she's doing.

911: I still don't understand why your calling, Sir.

Me: I'm terrified. What if she wants to kiss or something. I can't handle this. She's driving me nuts. I want to run away but it's too cold outside. I've got real bad arthritis, I can't even go out without hurting.

911: Do you have a bottle of good Scotch, Sir? Why not pour yourself a stiff drink and just relax a little. Do you think that might help?

Me: Hey, that's a good idea. She doesn't like when I have a drink. Maybe she'll clobber me. Ya, I think I'll try that.

911: You think you'll be okay then, Sir?

Me: Yes, I think that might just work.

911: You just relax and take it easy and maybe you'll get lucky, Sir. Good night Sir.

Me: Luck is in the eye of the beholder. Good night.