I
never did get a response to the letter in my last post (it's like
dropping stuff into a black hole), so I wrote my own. If you think
this may be satire, don't second guess yourself.
Fireside musings from
Stevie 2013
Well folks, time to take
a page from Mr. Trudeau and put up our feet and chill out after a
trying year of politicking.
You got to hand it to Rob
Ford eh? To get pie faced and then top it off with some crack and
show up next morning to run Toronto, what a constitution. If we can
get our scientists to clone those genes we can cut our sick days by
95%!
Putin isn't all that bad
either, after all he was democratically elected just like me and in
democracies the elected should have some expectations of not being
threatened or ridiculed by idiots who have nothing but anarchy on
their minds. We would do well to move our federal institutions to
the arctic to fill the growing need for menial labor. Eighteen hour
work days to cool off would do wonders for our pussy rioters.
Our federal scientists are
finally putting a sock in their mouths so we can get on with the
greatest project in Canadian history. The details are of course “top
secret” but we're working on securing long term financial stability
by harnessing all the CO2 we've managed to release. The profit from
this will be enormous. Just keep those Dodge Rams running a few more
years and there will never be any turning back!
The European trade deal
has gone over pretty smooth. Some say we gave away too much but
here's my take. With wages bound to rocket in Bangladeshy and the
third earth where our clothes and car parts are made the prices are
going to climb. But the European socialists are going to feel the
pinch too and they're going to subsidize their factories just like
they do their cheese. Then we can import their cheap stuff and keep
the good life because our taxes will be rock bottom and the bonus is
we won't be supporting refugees – they'll all go to Europe to work
in the factories.
What else happened this
year? Oh yes, the economy, yech. Well that's pretty much tied to
the States, that's why I sent Doer down there, Obama doesn't seem to
give me the time of day. They're so big and confused down there it's
hard to say what's going to happen. The trouble is it's too warm in
the south and they don't need our oil to heat their homes. We've got
some hard core scientists developing a plan to pipeline cold air to
Arizona and Texas. A million environmentally friendly low cost
pipes, and now with them all legalizing pot down there we can lace
it with smoke. Just grow it in the bush and have controlled burns
you know, this will be big!
There's been lots of talk
and analysis on fiscal conservatism and all that this year, but my
ego is real healthy still. Some say there's enough food and medical
capacity for the whole world, that there's enough materials,
equipment, and labor to update all the infrastructure – for the
entire world. They say it's just our economic system of ownership
and capitalism that keeps many without these luxuries. But honestly,
as an economist, people just don't function that way. People just
won't do anything unless they're hungry or get addicted to a more
affluent way of life and have to work within a monetary system to
feed their desires and get more rewards for harder work. To me it's
just common sense, have risk taking Canadians who are cunning and
shrewd and can make it on their own. That's how I endure, just step
on anyone who gets too big and castigate others when things go amiss.
A few economic sanctions here and there and our people will
completely revert to the natural human ability to survive without
handouts.
A
lot of people wonder where I stand on religion and evolution. Well,
let's assume for a moment that evolution is valid. Life
has altered our planet. Plant life pulled the carbon out of the
atmosphere which allowed oxygen based animal life to evolve, a
process which happened over millions of years. It
is amazing that we have the privilege of living when an awareness of
this is growing in the last hundred years. We are the highest
evolved intelligence in our known universe, our universe created us!
This is an amazing concept. Does it have a plan? Is it aware?
Does it judge us? Are we inevitable? Does it make us responsible?
It could wipe us out tomorrow with an asteroid and it would go on
without a burp. “Scientific” string theory tells us that
alternate universes do not even have to exist of atoms and that time
is only a consequence of our incapability to comprehend more
dimensions because it was unnecessary for our survival. So time is
an illusion and we're really god? We plan the universe which then
creates us - humans and higher animals have through selection adapted
the ability to care and love but these are simply genes for the
propagation of the best adapted traits and have no other meaning in
our universe other than to help us survive. This has to be a lefty
plot to give handouts to lazy bums. God exists, love exists - you
can feel it!
And
to break into song here: “We all drive down the yellow brick road,
the yellow brick road, the yellow brick road. We all drive down the
yellow brick road, on our way to paradise.”
To
all of those who've been sending us bed bugs in the mail, thanks
much. We have enough in the PM office and in our homes to last till
hell freezes over. Thanks again.
No one loves me this I
know, for my aides they tell me so,
Your friend, Stevie
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