Saturday, December 7, 2013

Response from Stephen Harper (in my dreams)

I never did get a response to the letter in my last post (it's like dropping stuff into a black hole), so I wrote my own. If you think this may be satire, don't second guess yourself.

Fireside musings from Stevie 2013

Well folks, time to take a page from Mr. Trudeau and put up our feet and chill out after a trying year of politicking.

You got to hand it to Rob Ford eh? To get pie faced and then top it off with some crack and show up next morning to run Toronto, what a constitution. If we can get our scientists to clone those genes we can cut our sick days by 95%!

Putin isn't all that bad either, after all he was democratically elected just like me and in democracies the elected should have some expectations of not being threatened or ridiculed by idiots who have nothing but anarchy on their minds. We would do well to move our federal institutions to the arctic to fill the growing need for menial labor. Eighteen hour work days to cool off would do wonders for our pussy rioters.

Our federal scientists are finally putting a sock in their mouths so we can get on with the greatest project in Canadian history. The details are of course “top secret” but we're working on securing long term financial stability by harnessing all the CO2 we've managed to release. The profit from this will be enormous. Just keep those Dodge Rams running a few more years and there will never be any turning back!

The European trade deal has gone over pretty smooth. Some say we gave away too much but here's my take. With wages bound to rocket in Bangladeshy and the third earth where our clothes and car parts are made the prices are going to climb. But the European socialists are going to feel the pinch too and they're going to subsidize their factories just like they do their cheese. Then we can import their cheap stuff and keep the good life because our taxes will be rock bottom and the bonus is we won't be supporting refugees – they'll all go to Europe to work in the factories.

What else happened this year? Oh yes, the economy, yech. Well that's pretty much tied to the States, that's why I sent Doer down there, Obama doesn't seem to give me the time of day. They're so big and confused down there it's hard to say what's going to happen. The trouble is it's too warm in the south and they don't need our oil to heat their homes. We've got some hard core scientists developing a plan to pipeline cold air to Arizona and Texas. A million environmentally friendly low cost pipes, and now with them all legalizing pot down there we can lace it with smoke. Just grow it in the bush and have controlled burns you know, this will be big!

There's been lots of talk and analysis on fiscal conservatism and all that this year, but my ego is real healthy still. Some say there's enough food and medical capacity for the whole world, that there's enough materials, equipment, and labor to update all the infrastructure – for the entire world. They say it's just our economic system of ownership and capitalism that keeps many without these luxuries. But honestly, as an economist, people just don't function that way. People just won't do anything unless they're hungry or get addicted to a more affluent way of life and have to work within a monetary system to feed their desires and get more rewards for harder work. To me it's just common sense, have risk taking Canadians who are cunning and shrewd and can make it on their own. That's how I endure, just step on anyone who gets too big and castigate others when things go amiss. A few economic sanctions here and there and our people will completely revert to the natural human ability to survive without handouts.

A lot of people wonder where I stand on religion and evolution. Well, let's assume for a moment that evolution is valid. Life has altered our planet. Plant life pulled the carbon out of the atmosphere which allowed oxygen based animal life to evolve, a process which happened over millions of years. It is amazing that we have the privilege of living when an awareness of this is growing in the last hundred years. We are the highest evolved intelligence in our known universe, our universe created us! This is an amazing concept. Does it have a plan? Is it aware? Does it judge us? Are we inevitable? Does it make us responsible? It could wipe us out tomorrow with an asteroid and it would go on without a burp. “Scientific” string theory tells us that alternate universes do not even have to exist of atoms and that time is only a consequence of our incapability to comprehend more dimensions because it was unnecessary for our survival. So time is an illusion and we're really god? We plan the universe which then creates us - humans and higher animals have through selection adapted the ability to care and love but these are simply genes for the propagation of the best adapted traits and have no other meaning in our universe other than to help us survive. This has to be a lefty plot to give handouts to lazy bums. God exists, love exists - you can feel it!

And to break into song here: “We all drive down the yellow brick road, the yellow brick road, the yellow brick road. We all drive down the yellow brick road, on our way to paradise.”

To all of those who've been sending us bed bugs in the mail, thanks much. We have enough in the PM office and in our homes to last till hell freezes over. Thanks again.

No one loves me this I know, for my aides they tell me so,
Your friend, Stevie
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