Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love me gentle, love me sweet

I used to frig around with magnets and coils of wire. Tesla was my hero. None of my own inventions ever worked very well and most of them ended up in a heap on my bench. One time I'd been working on this Tesla light bulb thing. It had a huge coil of wire and some camera parts on top, but it just would not work. So there it sat on my bench.

I was sitting there on my stool sort of disheartened and my cat Pandy came by. Of course he figured this was a good time for some attention so I started petting him and he was totally enjoying it and purring away. And if that stupid light didn't start glowing. The louder Pandy purred the brighter it glowed.

Well, what was causing this? Was it static? Pandy had had enough so off he went and the light went out. I sat there in wonder and my mind drifted off to supper time and my wife and how sweet she was and if that stupid light didn't start glowing again. Well this time it wasn't static. Incredible. The light went out and sat there dead cold. I gave up and went in for supper.

I told my wife about my project, and after we finished the dishes she came with me to the shop to see my contraption. There it sat on the bench cold as ice. She gave me a big hug before heading back to the house and over my shoulder she giggled “your lights on”. We both looked in amazement as it slowly faded back out. She said “Lets try this again” and she hugged me again and if that stupid light didn't start glowing again. She gave me a big kiss and it got even brighter! Well heavens to Betsy.

The next few weeks were rather entertaining as we tried different things to get the light glowing. We even had our neighbours come by and had them hug in the shop. They thought we were pulling some kind of a weird hoax on them. The thrill sort of wore off and I was busy with work so the project just sat there. This whole story might have ended right here if these nice gentlemen hadn't stopped by.

My guess is they got wind of my ventures into metaphysics from our fast becoming allusive neighbours. This shop hugging thing hadn't been my brightest idea, not that I have many. Anyhow, these gents showed up in an unobtrusive black Taurus and gave a hefty knock on our door. I remember the words “Being charged with diabolical insubordination” if I didn't cooperate with them in investigating paranormal activities emanating from my shop.

So, not wanting to be insubordinate, diabolical or not, I cheerily unlocked my shop and showed them my coil of wires with the light bulb. They seemed to snicker a little and then one asked me if I'd heard of Tesla, and me being sort of on to them by now said “Tessy who?” and they let it drop at that. We chated a few minutes about the nice weather and then the tall one said they'd best be going so he could be back for his daughter's birthday that night, and you could tell he really loved his daughter cause he got kinda choked up, and if that stupid light didn't come on real bright.

Jumpin Jehosaphat! The black Taurus got pulled around the back and out came cameras and detectors and insulated boxes and when they were gone three hours later my work bench was bare and they'd cleaned up most of the other junk laying around too. Never even said goodbye.

My good wife said “Well, they saved you a trip to the dump,” and we figured that was that. I got rather philosophical about the whole thing after a time figuring that factories would have a real production problem if everyone had to keep a huggin and kissin to keep the lights on. And if it got advanced enough to power automobiles there might be more than a few traffic jams due to distracted drivers. Well enough to leave it alone.

Surprisingly an unmarked delivery van came by about six months later and they piled everything back neatly in the middle of my shop for me. There was a brief note with it from some outfit called the bureau of investigative surveillance which in not too kind words told me my stuff was a pile of junk and they had tried everything to make that light come on and that I was an idiot and if I kept this up I would bamboozle myself straight into the court house for public mischief. I was sort of chuckling to myself while reading this because my Pandy had come by to get his tummy rubbed and that stupid light was on as bright as ever. That bureau of investigative surveillance must be one bitter environment to work in.

I buried my Pandy at the ripe old age of twenty-three and put my light project in with him. The light was on as I covered him, and I'm sure it comes on to this day when I think of him. Bye Pandy Pandy.
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